The Next Phase

So my last post was a little "funky" as one might describe it… a consequence of the war that sometimes wages between the two aspects of my personality: the girl who wants to overachieve and do MORE and get BETTER (before Father Time makes it impossible)... and the girl who wants and NEEDS to reign herself in, and feel peace with where she is, feeling no pressure to be more than what she is at this very moment. And totally fine with it.

When I started this "Road to Boston" blog my intention was to be Miss Factual Serious-Pants: I had a goal. I want to achieve it. This is how I do it. Nuts and bolts. No fluff. No whining. Shut up. Execute. Report the results.

But I realized something as I started this "new" journey and goal… and that is that this phase of my life requires my authenticity. The numbers mean little. The miles don't even mean much, if the heart behind the effort isn't whole and full. Life isn't always full of fluffy puffy clouds and positive days. But we choose how to offset the gray, rainy, and dismal days. They are just a part of it all. Accept them. Embrace them. They cannot be avoided.

Over the past couple of days I've let so many things bother me. I took things personally. I got bitter. It's the classic blunder: we create our own reality by judging the actions of others without asking the questions.

I have become obsessive about my goals and dreams. It is the consequence of having to put things aside  for so many months while I reevaluate my life and passions. I cannot expect anyone else to completely understand. How could they? They haven't walked in my shoes, experienced my highs and lows, or understand why. how, or what makes me tick. I'm not sure I even know myself.

So when I hired a coach I wanted accountability. I wanted someone with a shitload of experience to tell me what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. I wanted feedback. I wanted a swift kick in the ass. I wanted someone to care as much as I did (do) about the outcome of my efforts. I was willing to pay for it. Pay beyond my means. As if this would fix the some insatiable need in me to prove that I CAN and am ABLE to achieve beyond my expectations for myself.

But… as life would have it, my hired coach is a busy man with many clients. My journey is only one of many… including his own. He needs to prioritize… and unfortunately my needs are a little low on the list at the moment.

Texts unanswered, plan not delivered. And I have a choice. Become outraged and embittered, or just press on.

And so...

And the choice is to try to move forward, and feel the positivity!

I am blessed to have so many encouraging people in my life who are willing to help me on this journey. Often times I have to remind myself that I am not worthy of it, but I am so full of gratitude that I have them. The other alternative is a straightjacket and a lockdown in the psych ward.

And when desperate times call for desperate measures, there is my paddle board:

Namaste.

The next phase starts tomorrow.