The Next Phase

So my last post was a little "funky" as one might describe it… a consequence of the war that sometimes wages between the two aspects of my personality: the girl who wants to overachieve and do MORE and get BETTER (before Father Time makes it impossible)... and the girl who wants and NEEDS to reign herself in, and feel peace with where she is, feeling no pressure to be more than what she is at this very moment. And totally fine with it.

When I started this "Road to Boston" blog my intention was to be Miss Factual Serious-Pants: I had a goal. I want to achieve it. This is how I do it. Nuts and bolts. No fluff. No whining. Shut up. Execute. Report the results.

But I realized something as I started this "new" journey and goal… and that is that this phase of my life requires my authenticity. The numbers mean little. The miles don't even mean much, if the heart behind the effort isn't whole and full. Life isn't always full of fluffy puffy clouds and positive days. But we choose how to offset the gray, rainy, and dismal days. They are just a part of it all. Accept them. Embrace them. They cannot be avoided.

Over the past couple of days I've let so many things bother me. I took things personally. I got bitter. It's the classic blunder: we create our own reality by judging the actions of others without asking the questions.

I have become obsessive about my goals and dreams. It is the consequence of having to put things aside  for so many months while I reevaluate my life and passions. I cannot expect anyone else to completely understand. How could they? They haven't walked in my shoes, experienced my highs and lows, or understand why. how, or what makes me tick. I'm not sure I even know myself.

So when I hired a coach I wanted accountability. I wanted someone with a shitload of experience to tell me what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. I wanted feedback. I wanted a swift kick in the ass. I wanted someone to care as much as I did (do) about the outcome of my efforts. I was willing to pay for it. Pay beyond my means. As if this would fix the some insatiable need in me to prove that I CAN and am ABLE to achieve beyond my expectations for myself.

But… as life would have it, my hired coach is a busy man with many clients. My journey is only one of many… including his own. He needs to prioritize… and unfortunately my needs are a little low on the list at the moment.

Texts unanswered, plan not delivered. And I have a choice. Become outraged and embittered, or just press on.

And so...

And the choice is to try to move forward, and feel the positivity!

I am blessed to have so many encouraging people in my life who are willing to help me on this journey. Often times I have to remind myself that I am not worthy of it, but I am so full of gratitude that I have them. The other alternative is a straightjacket and a lockdown in the psych ward.

And when desperate times call for desperate measures, there is my paddle board:

Namaste.

The next phase starts tomorrow.

Get It Done.

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can."
-Arthur Ashe

Probably one of my favorite quotes. It's beautiful because so many of us feel like we're starting from ground zero and the uphill climb is just so hard. We want to be at the summit, want to be see the view from the pinnacle… want to be there in the dream already. We all start somewhere and the hardest part is that first step and accepting where we are in the journey. There is a balance between angry determination to be better, and throwing some serious self-love your way for the progress you've already made.

I love watching people be so proud of themselves. It put a huge smile on my face to see them succeed. It starts with a small thing. I want to run a mile. It seems impossible, it seems so hard. But you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and in time (with patience and a good attitude) that mile becomes twenty six point two. Or even more.

It's amazing.

What's even better is somewhere along the journey you start to realize that it doesn't always have to be about you. You let go of the ego a little bit, because a wonderful reward lies with witnessing the successes of people around you. And I'm finding more and more joy from seeing people I know get better and feel good.

Today I met my friend Jim for a 10 mile trail run. He's in his sixties and he is going to be an ironman, AGAIN, in two weeks. I want to cry when I think about him… almost the same age as my father, and he has the spirit of a twenty year old. He throws down these open water swims, bike rides, and runs with a great attitude and positive spirit. He is realistic, and yet he's just so optimistic. He feels GOOD and PROUD. I am grateful to be around him, and consider him a teacher. I need to learn to be dedicated, disciplined, and yet be HAPPY and CONTENT with where I am. Life is good. And it's too short to continually be disappointed when things aren't always perfect.

We can start from anywhere. As long as we believe, are dedicated, and are determined to make it, it can be done.

Also glad to see several of the NMA running group embers getting PR's today in their races. It was just a perfect day weather wise.

A beautiful sunrise on the oceanfront:

Golden morning.

Carpe diem.

Ad so, another week is finished. I always feel like Monday is another opportunity to start fresh and make up for anything lost in the previous week.

I emailed my coach. I told him that I need a little more in terms of feedback and motivation. I love to help others and see them succeed but I'd really like some help too.

Looking forward to the relay this weekend.

Sunsets and Slumps Don't Mix

I am winding down from a long and disappointing week in training.

It started off pretty well… arrived back from Alabama last Sunday afternoon… was a bit tired but I woke up bright and early and got my assigned solo 5 miler in. I was supposed to go 5 "easy" to recover from the long run (which had numerous hills and the constant threat of rattlesnakes) but instead I decided to go moderate and finished up with an average 7:47 pace. Normally this would make me fairly happy ("Look at me! I'm zipping along on my easy day!"), but I guess the coach puts "easy" in there for a reason. (Hmmmm.)

It was a long day at work on that Monday, but when I got home the sky was just glorious. So I took one of my daughters down to the local marina so I could get some yoga in for the silhouette project. It was insanely beautiful out there. I forgot how the sky seems so much crisper and vibrant as the fall weather starts shifting in.

I loved that my daughter was into it.

My yogi-in-training.

Warrior pose.

Dancer pose.

Headstand.

But Tuesday morning I woke up and had to take the kidlets to orthodontist appointments and stared at the neglected piles of laundry everywhere. Speedwork day. And no one to do speed work with since the morning sessions got canceled.

Speedwork. The dreaded workout of the week. Cue the horror movie music.

The old me (the ironman from last year) would have found a way. And done it. Period. The current me, exhausted in mind and spirit from travel and lack of enthusiasm (no ironman on the horizon), bagged the run altogether and did chores and errands. The weather turned awful. Rain, rain, rain. I went to work, got even more exhausted, and collapsed in a heap.

Wednesday the rain continued to pour down in buckets. It was supposed to be a rest day for those who did their speed work (ahem) but guess who decided to take yet another mental health day. 

Thursday. I could not take another "mental health day." So I went on my what was supposed to be my 7 miler, but got too late of a start and had to cut it short at 5. Plus I ran it a bit hard again, average pace about 7:50/mi.

On Friday I just ground it out in spin and met a friend at the Bay for a swim. I have neglected my swim for months. The water was rough and choppy. Even the wetsuit didn't give me enough of an edge to overcome to tossing. I struggled and decided to give up before I hit the first set of pylons. Had I registered for an ironman, I'd be sucking it up like a buttercup. But since I was just there for moral support, I decided to cheer from the beach.

Of course this just added to my disappointment and made me just shy of a basket case.

On Saturday I did nothing but spectate soccer games in the morning. Later in the evening we took the paddle board and kayak and saw the most beautiful sunset I've seen in ages over Back Bay.

A great ending to a week that had been full of dismal weather and lots of blues on my end.

This morning I met my former Richmond Marathon training buddy Shelly, and we had a great conversational 10 miler that lifted my spirits. She has also signed up for the Harbor Lights Half in November, and has agreed to pace me for a PR.

Am ready to dump the slump and charge ahead next week. Will keep the blog updated regularly as best as possible to aid in the motivation department. Less whine and more work.

Day 4.

Assigned Workout: None. "Rest day."

Wednesdays are my days off from work and I'll be darned if I'm going to rest!

So I got some household chores done, then packed up my road bike and took "him" down to the beach with me. I had told a friend I'd meet him down at the Bay (as in the Chesapeake) for an open water swim. All of my friends are doing ironman races this fall. I was registered for one too and should be training alongside them. But, I have deferred my registrations this year. Next year will be my year. In the meantime, I will keep my base, train up for Boston, and be ready to kick it into high gear next year as a triathlete.

I got down there a little early… shopped for some new open water goggles and Bonk Breaker bars, then hopped on my road bike for an hour solo spin before the swim.

My legs were complete toast. The strength exercises and intense spin intervals... which included squats, jumps, and various other meat shredding moves... completely fried my thighs. Every pedal stroke burned and my pace sucked.

But it's okay. I made it onto the bike today. Happy with that.

My first brief stop at mile 8: The "Narrows"

Second brief stop: Atop Great Neck Bridge

It was only 17 miles or so, but just enough.

Then it was onto the Bay.

Open water swims always get my heart pounding when I see waves and swells. It was choppy out there, no doubt. But I went in.

My view before I went in the water. I know it doesn't look like much. But it was rough!

Here's the weird thing about open water swimming: so I'm a bit frightened and freaked out about the possibilities of disaster: getting stung/bitten/chomped/struck by wildlife or boats or debris, getting overtaken by a rip current or mega wave, or getting lost from disorientation and meeting my watery grave in the depths of Davy Jones locker.

But at the end of it… even after swallowing a bit of salty water from swells slamming into my face, and getting a bit off course and having to figure out that shore is actually in the OPPOSITE direction… I come out of the water unfazed.

I never work hard enough to get myself exhausted. I always swim "comfy." Hmmmmmm.

Night-time sunset yoga on the paddle board:

Kind of got lost on the way back to shore in the dark. Mosquitoes attacked. 

#YOLO

Week 7 Begins.

Attempt #3 at a useful blog that documents my journey to the Boston Marathon in 2015. This will be a fancy training log of sorts. And a photo album. An attempt to keep myself motivated through documentation. I will try to refrain from endless banter and pointless bitching and moaning. It doesn't help.

The quick version of the "history." 44 years old (gulp). Wife and mother of three VERY active children, ages 14, 13 and 10. Small animal veterinarian. Taxi driver. Maid. Not a cook.

2008: started running (er, rather, "shuffle jogging"). Basically this was my way to deal with pressures of life. I'd go outside and speed walk for a mile. Then I started to shuffle. Then I started to "run." Total therapy. I started my love affair with it from there and it sucked me right in.

Fast forward to present. Running became my drug of choice, which metamorphosed into triathlon. It seems I must always be obsessed with something in order to stay sane and not want to run away to the wilds of the Colorado mountains to live in a shack of isolation (well, maybe occasionally I still consider this option). Competing in races has brought me pride and health, but it has also taught me about the negative aspects of my true obsessive nature.

Life is a balance, so they say.

Enter yoga.

I started attending yoga classes earlier this year to augment my athletic training. But in yoga I found so much more than flexibility exercises. I found a philosophy and belief system that I needed more than I ever could have realized at this point in my life. I will probably infuse a lot of Buddhist philosophy into this blog. I can't help it. It's helped me deal with some very deep personal issues I've faced over the past year or so, and so I use it when I can.

So there will be lots of yoga pictures on this running blog. Why? Because yoga is prettier and possibly more inspirational than running pictures. I look ugly when I run. I am sweaty, grimacing, and trying to just make it. That's not to say I don't love it. It's just that I'm ugly while doing it and I don't like to see pictures of it. Swimming is waaaay worse.

Also: I like photography, so I like pictures. I like to edit them, and make them artistic. I think yoga is beautiful. Well, some poses, that is. I force friends and family to take pictures of me in poses to see if I'm getting better. I am not a narcissist. I just like yoga and I like nature and I like photography.

I've also just developed a love for anything active outdoors. Life is short and I've wasted too much of it sitting on my ass being unhealthy. I'm in love with cycling, swimming (did my first ironman last year), and most recently: stand up paddle boarding (aka "SUP"). I just bought my very first used board and have been taking it out in the evenings on the calm waters of a nearby river. It is everything I need it to be: a way for me to practice balance, get some upper body work in, and allows me to appreciate nature and everything my beautiful coastal hometown has to offer.

But back to the purpose of this blog. I qualified for the Boston Marathon in October last year. It was my dream for over a year after I realized consistent training paid off and actually made me a better runner. And I squeaked in. I register the first week in September and I hope and pray to secure a spot.

I had a catastrophic marathon last March. I basically quit about mile 20. It wasn't due to any serious physical setbacks. It was purely mental. I lost my focus, and let pure weakness and mental breakdown overtake me. Over the past few months I needed a step back to reevaluate many, many things.

I haven't run more than 12 miles in one stretch since.

But running and triathlon have became a part of who I am, and I became just sadder and sadder without it. I needed to get back into it. I just needed a goal.

6 weeks ago I hired an official running coach. I've watched him from a afar the past couple of years… he is a phenom. I met with him in a coffee shop and I basically said I wanted to go to Boston as the best runner I can possibly be. Could he help me?

He looked at my stats, my PR's and my history. He said: yes, he could help me. So I wrote him a hefty check and here we are 6 weeks into the process.

Truth be told I need to step up my game. I have some very big goals and it's time to stop making excuses. I've been tired, I've been a little disoriented and depressed, I haven't given it 100% in these first 6 weeks. At the start of week 7, I vow to change. I want to be a disciplined, good athlete. I think I NEED the structure and the dedication to help me keep me busy and focused.

Time to get serious.

This upcoming week's plan:

SUNDAY: run, 10 mile steady pace

MONDAY: run, 4 mile easy, swim

TUESDAY: run, 1 mile WU, 6X800 (5k pace), 1 mi CD, spin, yoga

WEDNESDAY: cross (bike, swim, yoga)

THURSDAY: 5 mile easy

FRIDAY: bike (leaving for vacation so we'll see…)

SATURDAY: 12 mile steady

Side note: will also address nutrition. I have been a vegan for approximately a year (for health reasons), and was a vegetarian before that. As a vegan, I gained too much weight by relying too much on grains. I'm rethinking my approach a bit and have decided to go back to the pescatarian way (just adding eggs and fish) with MOSTLY plant-based fuels.

Onward.